Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Story

Went through my old external hard drive, found this extremely cliche sad lover story hidden within one of the folders. No idea how the me wrote this. :D Thought I’d share it. :)

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I walked into the empty room. Roommate was clearly still out with her boyfriend and from the looks of it she wouldn’t be back tonight anyways. I lay down on my back on my messy bed, scrolling down my contact list for someone to talk to. After 2 minutes of scanning through the numbers, I gave up and threw the phone on my bed. Grabbing the nearest pillow, I buried my face into it and let out all the tears I held in since I heard those words.

I had suspected something was amiss but I never bothered to find out more. Maybe deep inside me I knew she existed a long time ago but I chose to ignore it. I’ve been telling myself that you were the one and you would never ever lie to me. I chose to trust.

I don’t know, Aidan. It seems that when I’m with her, it feels so comfortable and I always feel like she knows me very well. It all just feels like a routine; but with Demi, it’s like a whole new game. It feels really exciting to be with her. She just seemed so vulnerable that I just want to keep her close to protect her… I don’t know how to choose.

I’ve never felt my heart hurt this way before. The feeling of him comparing me to some other girl called Demi. It has just got me wondering, who is she? How does she look? I sat up from my bed and logged onto the computer. I just had to find out how she looks; at least I knew who the other girl was. I went to his Facebook profile page and searched his friends. Sure enough her Facebook profile popped out. After going through a few pictures, I click the cross at the corner of the screen and slammed the laptop shut.

Of course he felt that way, that girl was every man’s dream and she was giving her affection to him. My phone beeped twice, I reached over to open the text message.

Hey baby, imy. J

I didn’t know how to react at that moment. After finding out everything was just a big fat lie, his not knowing you know continues to lie to you. It’s a downright revolting act. The phone rang. Our picture filled up the entire phone screen. I pressed the reject button. Same I did for a few continuous calls before turning the phone off.

Avoiding someone is not easy when that person is trying to find you. I managed to arrive at classes late and leave earlier to avoid bumping into him. I knew his entire schedule by heart so I managed to not bump into him till my last period. He knew my schedule by heart too.

“Hey, why didn’t you pick up my calls yesterday? Something wrong?” he asked with concern in his voice.

“I was just tired. I got to go now.” I shook his grip off my arm and hurried into the closing lift doors before he could catch up or say anything else. I knew he wouldn’t follow, he was claustrophobic. Never took a lift when it was crowded because the space just seems so tight.

Hey, did I do something wrong? Can you just talk to me already??

I tried to hold back my tears as I quickly got into my car. I remember the day he told me to trust him with all my heart because he will never leave nor betray me. I opened my deepest darkest side to him. I told him things that even May didn’t know about. He knew so much about my vulnerable side. He knew what hurt me the most. Yet he still did it. Gathering myself up, I jammed the accelerator and sped off the campus grounds.

I opened the door with the spare key I owned. Walking into his apartment, all the memories came flooding back to me. I didn’t have time to be sentimental; he would be back in an hour. I had to finish what I came here to do. I picked up every picture of us and every piece of letter I’ve ever written to him and placed them in a big box. That was when I saw their pictures in an album in his drawer. He must have kept it stashed somewhere whenever I came to visit. I angrily swiped away the tears and slam the door as I exited his apartment.

Hey, seriously can you just tell me what’s wrong? I just got back and everything has been wiped out. It’s like nothing ever existed. What happened? Please please reply me. I’m worried!

I replied.

Nothing did ever exist. It was all just a game to you and a lie to me. I made up your mind for you. You don’t have to choose now. Enjoy.

The message was followed by another series of Lady Gaga’s telephone ringtone telling me to pick up my phone. I went through all the pictures and letters. Was the past year nothing but a lie? I cursed myself for being so naïve as to trusting him. When will I ever learn never to depend on others as the only person you can truly trust is you yourself?

Baby, I’ve no idea what you are talking about. L Please pick up my calls.

Okay baby, I think I know what you’re upset about. I’ve no idea why you know all these. Derek must have spilled it out to Becca or something. Please talk to me, let me explain.

I don’t ever want to listen to your explanations. How do I even know if they are truths or lies? I don’t know who to trust. I don’t even know if I’m ever capable of trust anymore. I drove back to my place. I dumped all the picture into the trash can right next to the table. I tore down every single picture of us I had on the wall.

“Put the picture of us on the wall next to your bed so every time you go to sleep you can see me watching over you,” he said as he stuck the picture of us over my bed.

I know that if I tried hard enough I could make everything go away and disappear from my head. I know I can block him out of my head. I’m sinking slowly into the memories of him and me. I’ve been giving him chances but all he did was let me down. He might be thinking that we will be fine again but not this time around. This will be the last straw. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Thinking he is prince charming. Could have loved him all my life but he had to leave me out. He can tell me that he is sorry but I don’t believe him like I’ve always did.

It’s 5AM now. My eyelids were getting heavier. Feeling really tired. I hear an annoying dripping sound. Must be the tap again, I thought. I guess I shall just close my eyes and go to sleep. Will have to get a plumber when I wake up.

I heard someone calling my name in the background. I stirred a little. I was lifted off the bed by a pair of familiar hands. I just wanted to continue sleeping. He refused to let me close my eyes. I felt exhausted. I opened my eyes for a little while. His face was filled with worry. A giggle escaped my mouth. He looked down at me, frowning.

“I love you so much, baby.” I smiled as I whispered to him. There were tears flowing down his cheeks now. I tried to lift my hands up to wipe them away but I was just too tired. I saw the blood all over my hand. Closed my eyes and fell into darkness. It’ll all be over now.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Life and Death

You know how death is such a scary word to many people. I beg to differ. I think that death is not scary but pain is. Suffering in pain rather than just dying in peace hurts more. You could possibly call me a coward but I do not like the word pain. I’ve seen my grandfather go through it. All the medications and injections only cost him more pain  and make him weaker with each day.

One of my grandaunt passed away yesterday. She had been having serious diabetic disorder for quite some time now. I just wonder, how would it feel like to not be able to eat the things you love? I guess it’s just about appreciating the fact that you are still alive eh?

Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, when I’m lying in bed, my thoughts often wander off. If I were ever on life support or anything like that, wouldn’t I rather just be off life support and just die instead of being a vegetable laying there in a coma not being able to do anything but everyone who loves me still weeping and holding the hope that I would one day miraculously wake up? What if I just wrote it somewhere that I would rather not be on life support. Imagine how much less pain everyone will be going through.

Death is such a subjective thing. Some people choose not to think about it at all, some people just shudder at the thought of it. Everyone dies at the end of the day. It’s just how that scares me.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Just thoughts..

 

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I’ll try my very best to open up to you.