LOVE

You know, I used to believe in happy ending and forever and always. I used to believe in movies and fairytales. How, no matter what happens, in the end, the guy and the girl will always realize in the end how much they loved each other and run back into each other's arms.

"Nette, this is not a movie"

I remember that very sentence.

You knew how much I loved my romantic comedies and cheesy-as-hell chick flicks. When you told me that, it felt like you took away all the magic from it all. I sit here watching a movie, remembering the times when I used to cry when the love birds get back together. Now, I sit there staring at them, knowing, that will never happen in real life. Not that I used to be so naive that I believed in all the Hollywood crap, but I had hope that one day, my prince in shining armor will sweep me off my feet.

Emotional connections are for pansies.
The more you care, the more you get hurt.

Baking a girl who does not deserve any jewellery

Was trying out the new mixer my mu bought today. It’s pretty decent. Goodbye to old fashion batter making by hand and hello to the new generation of machine made cupcakes :D

Filled them up about 2/3 cups full.
Am loving the designs on the cupcake cups, kind of reminds me of the candy canes :)

Them rising in the oven. Pretty French Vanilla cupcakes :)

Some pink frostings on the top of them cupcakes.
Couldn’t find my piping tips, so had to make them simple :(

Alongside some sprinkles :) Tadaa!

Lost one side of my earring today.. white sapphire and a special gift. :(
I remember breaking the necklace that came with it within the first few days of wearing it.
I guess I’m just a girl who does not deserve any jewellery. :(

Figures out what the title meant yet? :D

Sotong Goreng

Finally I got myself some sotong goreng!

Went to Kayu @ SS2 with Leon Tai. :)

Finally satisfied my cravings. Nom nom nom.
The sotong is as nice I remembered it to be.

Went around KL today with Kelvin in search of a camera repair shop that wasn’t looking to rip me off with the price of repair. We found this shop that was located in Kompleks Mutiara called Cheah Repair shop. The uncles were really nice and friendly and they looked real professional too, sadly the price range did not suit us so we left in search of YL in Pudu Plaza.

GPS does screw us up all the time, we made the same turn 3 times before realizing the GPS was acting weird due to the reason that KL road changed a lot over time. We managed to find our way there anyways. :) Got to YL, the pricing was a bit more reasonable and they said that if it wasn’t fixable, they would give it back, no charge. :)

Gonna bake tomorrow for my sister’s school teacher’s day celebration thing. :) Hope it turns out well, haven’t baked with a microwave oven in a very long time. Made some red velvet brownies that didn’t look too good the other day. Oh well, we’ll see how it goes :)

Blogging

I realized I have lost my passion for reading, blogging and photography. I feel so lifeless without a hobby. The only hobby I’m interested in now is too expensive for me to pursue. I’m going to find all that passion back again, one post at a time.

So I have been back for a month now. Funny how quickly time passes by… I’ve had almost everything all my top ten things to eat when I get back.

Had dinner at 面对面 the other night.

I just love how bouncy their noodles are and the taste of the dried chilli along with it. The egg just adds onto the entire taste. Nom nom nom, how I’ve missed this. :)

A little plate of fried lobster paste wrapped in soy bean skin.

It tastes really really good but honestly, way overpriced for the portion. It’s not filling yet it cost about the same as a bowl of steaming hot delicious noodles. Weirdness.

Deep fried dumpling.

This was not as great as they looked but they were pretty okay. Edible, for me it was a bit too heavy on the taste of the veggie in it.

Well…

Soooo…

*awkward silence*

Till the next post.. I did say one post at a time. eh?

Answer

People asked me.. so what's the point of the last blog post.

There wasn't much of a point to it except that sometimes in a relationship, you just learn to take a leap of faith. Yes, the word is a very short but powerful one - faith.

Things may not always go your way, but who is to say things won't go your way this time around?
So all you have to do is have a little faith in it and you'll find that things are much brighter from that perspective.

How do you know?

How do you know when you've found the right one?
How do you know when you have found the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?
How do you know that "Hey, he/she is the one and I will never find someone else I want to spend the rest of my life with?

How can you tell if he/she is the one?
How can you be sure that the relationship which you have put in so much time and effort in will last till your very last breath?

Sometimes, can't help to ponder upon questions like these. When you are in a serious relationship, you are giving it all you have, you stop to think if this is the right thing to do. The further in the relationship, the more hurt you will get when it all falls apart.

Many people choose to retreat, it's a common reflex. We just don't want to get hurt, it's a survival instinct. When we see the boat sinking, our fight or flight response kicks in and sadly, we choose the flight response because it's easier... less painful.

What if 2 years down the road, the other half meets someone else better suited for them and leaves?
What would that make of you?
What if you were the one meeting someone else that suits you better?
What happens then?
What happened to those many years of fighting for the relationship?

What if you start getting bored of each other?

When thoughts like these gets in your head, they seep into your mind laying eggs that are just waiting to be hatched.

Books

I remember a time when books were my lifeline. I couldn't get through a week without reading at least one good book. Spending most of my allowance on getting new books to read, keeping track of the reading world.

Now, all of a sudden there's the Hunger Games. I'm not proud to admit that I did not even hear about the series till the movie trailers came out and all of sudden, my facebook news feed was flooded with post about the Hunger Games and how awesome it is/was.

When did I become so out of the reading world that I don't even bother reading anymore? Piles of books still waiting for me to read them but I seem to have lost the interest or better yet the time to touch any of them and enjoy the pleasure it brings to me.

This summer, I vow to start reading again. I need to once again find the pleasure in literature and not just tv series and online games. I need something else in my life other than just superficial information.

When was the last time you had a good read?

Give up

There's that breaking point when you don't even know what you're fighting for...

When everything just seems like a blurred mess to you.
When everything just seems to fall apart the more you try.

Why should I even bother anymore?

Master of Destruction

I can't help but to destroy everything in my way can I?
I should be kept in solitary.
Away from everything and everyone...
Then I will be able to not hurt or destruct anything in my path.

Physics

Facing my worse nightmare now.. When did studies become so difficult?

When did it all become just work and work and no play?

When did my life just become solely constructed of needing good grades?

When did grades suddenly become such an important part of my life?

There are just some things that are never meant to be known...

You are not alone

I know many people go through these phases in their University life but to you it seems like everyone has it in their hand except for you. You are wondering why everyone else it's getting a hang of it when you are slowly drowning in the coursework and the failing grades.

For every good grade there is the sacrifice behind it. University is not as cut out as what we used to think of it when we were younger. We used to watch movie and this perfect girl, pretty, charming, popular, with a high GPA to boot. Honestly, I've not met someone like that yet in University. Maybe there is, but it's so rare. Sad to say, that's the image all of us have planted into our minds, etched into our soul.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you see the sleepless nights and the lack of sunshine. Sometimes, University just feels like a soul sucking machine that you can't avoid no matter what. There's always so much to do, so many people to please, so many clubs to join.

When I first stepped onto campus, I was afraid. It was a whole new environment for me. Even now, I can't safely say that I'm very confident with myself. I'm not used to not being accepted easily. I'm still not used to not bumping into someone I know at every corner. I'm still not used to not having my support group when I want to organize an activity.

Honestly, there are times when I feel really lost in University because I can't adapt myself to their lifestyle, or more like I do not want to conform to the society. I feel like when I speak up in a class I stick out like I was wearing a ridiculous Halloween costume in class. I feel dismissed by my peers at times. Sometimes I wonder if race is such a big issue after all...

Even though University life may be tough, I'm still thankful to be given the chance to be here. I do miss being back home with my friends, the late night mamak sessions and places that I know so well, and doing things I just love and know so well.

I guess it's all a part of growing up and I'm glad that I'm given this chance. I'm glad that I have my friends whom stuck by me through thick and thin.

Re : I wish I was home

When I was back in Malaysia, all I could think about was.. How fun it would be to have a white Christmas, drink hot chocolate after a cold day out, to play in the snow, build a snowmen and have snowball fights.

Now, here I am thousand miles away from home. Seeing everyone packing and going home for Christmas or even shopping for present makes me want to go home. Go home to my comfort zone. To go back to a place where I can spend Christmas night at my Godparent’s house with her awesome turkey dinner. To go back to the familiar Christmas settings in all the places we know like the back of our hands. To just be having dinner with each other and exchanging Christmas presents.

When I was back there, all I could think about was how much I needed to get away from here. I wanted so much for a new experience in a drastically different place. It seems so long ago since I’ve seen the old familiar faces. The last minute mamak sessions, the random dinners, the sushi binge.

It’s getting cold here too, but I’m still managing with a hoodie and a jeans though freezing when waiting for the bus. I miss the convenience of a car, not needing to bus anywhere. I miss calling a friend up for lunch and then picking them up. I miss the feeling of walking out of a restaurant or a mall and saying “holy fuck, it’s hot” rather than “holy fuck, it’s freezing.”

I remember the times when I wished that I could be out all night with no one to nag me to go home. I remember those times when I crave for freedom so much it hurts. Now that I have all that freedom, I actually do not know what to do with it because the special people in my life are not here to share it with me.

If YOU were here, we’d be binging on ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI every weekend, making snow angels together, watch the entire HARRY POTTER SAGA while drinking hot chocolate and crying our eyes out, stay up all night talking and regretting it when we have to wake up early the next morning, do all the crazy things we always wanted to do together but never had the chance to. :)

There are those special people I’ve met here that I’m thankful for. They keep me grounded and sane from the craze of University life. I’m really thankful for meeting nice people like them.

Egg who thinks too much,

I wish we could have been in the same University then we can bitch about the bitches, share our story of our day, stress together.. but I realized, we would have gotten so sick of each other that we’d be fighting too (known and proven fact)! :P

I’m grateful for being given the chance to be in a University abroad. I’m grateful that I chose to apply to UBC in the first place even though it was for all the wrong reasons. I’m grateful that I’m blessed with all these good people in my life to help me through times of need.

Christmas won’t be Christmas without you.

A Story

Went through my old external hard drive, found this extremely cliche sad lover story hidden within one of the folders. No idea how the me wrote this. :D Thought I’d share it. :)

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I walked into the empty room. Roommate was clearly still out with her boyfriend and from the looks of it she wouldn’t be back tonight anyways. I lay down on my back on my messy bed, scrolling down my contact list for someone to talk to. After 2 minutes of scanning through the numbers, I gave up and threw the phone on my bed. Grabbing the nearest pillow, I buried my face into it and let out all the tears I held in since I heard those words.

I had suspected something was amiss but I never bothered to find out more. Maybe deep inside me I knew she existed a long time ago but I chose to ignore it. I’ve been telling myself that you were the one and you would never ever lie to me. I chose to trust.

I don’t know, Aidan. It seems that when I’m with her, it feels so comfortable and I always feel like she knows me very well. It all just feels like a routine; but with Demi, it’s like a whole new game. It feels really exciting to be with her. She just seemed so vulnerable that I just want to keep her close to protect her… I don’t know how to choose.

I’ve never felt my heart hurt this way before. The feeling of him comparing me to some other girl called Demi. It has just got me wondering, who is she? How does she look? I sat up from my bed and logged onto the computer. I just had to find out how she looks; at least I knew who the other girl was. I went to his Facebook profile page and searched his friends. Sure enough her Facebook profile popped out. After going through a few pictures, I click the cross at the corner of the screen and slammed the laptop shut.

Of course he felt that way, that girl was every man’s dream and she was giving her affection to him. My phone beeped twice, I reached over to open the text message.

Hey baby, imy. J

I didn’t know how to react at that moment. After finding out everything was just a big fat lie, his not knowing you know continues to lie to you. It’s a downright revolting act. The phone rang. Our picture filled up the entire phone screen. I pressed the reject button. Same I did for a few continuous calls before turning the phone off.

Avoiding someone is not easy when that person is trying to find you. I managed to arrive at classes late and leave earlier to avoid bumping into him. I knew his entire schedule by heart so I managed to not bump into him till my last period. He knew my schedule by heart too.

“Hey, why didn’t you pick up my calls yesterday? Something wrong?” he asked with concern in his voice.

“I was just tired. I got to go now.” I shook his grip off my arm and hurried into the closing lift doors before he could catch up or say anything else. I knew he wouldn’t follow, he was claustrophobic. Never took a lift when it was crowded because the space just seems so tight.

Hey, did I do something wrong? Can you just talk to me already??

I tried to hold back my tears as I quickly got into my car. I remember the day he told me to trust him with all my heart because he will never leave nor betray me. I opened my deepest darkest side to him. I told him things that even May didn’t know about. He knew so much about my vulnerable side. He knew what hurt me the most. Yet he still did it. Gathering myself up, I jammed the accelerator and sped off the campus grounds.

I opened the door with the spare key I owned. Walking into his apartment, all the memories came flooding back to me. I didn’t have time to be sentimental; he would be back in an hour. I had to finish what I came here to do. I picked up every picture of us and every piece of letter I’ve ever written to him and placed them in a big box. That was when I saw their pictures in an album in his drawer. He must have kept it stashed somewhere whenever I came to visit. I angrily swiped away the tears and slam the door as I exited his apartment.

Hey, seriously can you just tell me what’s wrong? I just got back and everything has been wiped out. It’s like nothing ever existed. What happened? Please please reply me. I’m worried!

I replied.

Nothing did ever exist. It was all just a game to you and a lie to me. I made up your mind for you. You don’t have to choose now. Enjoy.

The message was followed by another series of Lady Gaga’s telephone ringtone telling me to pick up my phone. I went through all the pictures and letters. Was the past year nothing but a lie? I cursed myself for being so naïve as to trusting him. When will I ever learn never to depend on others as the only person you can truly trust is you yourself?

Baby, I’ve no idea what you are talking about. L Please pick up my calls.

Okay baby, I think I know what you’re upset about. I’ve no idea why you know all these. Derek must have spilled it out to Becca or something. Please talk to me, let me explain.

I don’t ever want to listen to your explanations. How do I even know if they are truths or lies? I don’t know who to trust. I don’t even know if I’m ever capable of trust anymore. I drove back to my place. I dumped all the picture into the trash can right next to the table. I tore down every single picture of us I had on the wall.

“Put the picture of us on the wall next to your bed so every time you go to sleep you can see me watching over you,” he said as he stuck the picture of us over my bed.

I know that if I tried hard enough I could make everything go away and disappear from my head. I know I can block him out of my head. I’m sinking slowly into the memories of him and me. I’ve been giving him chances but all he did was let me down. He might be thinking that we will be fine again but not this time around. This will be the last straw. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Thinking he is prince charming. Could have loved him all my life but he had to leave me out. He can tell me that he is sorry but I don’t believe him like I’ve always did.

It’s 5AM now. My eyelids were getting heavier. Feeling really tired. I hear an annoying dripping sound. Must be the tap again, I thought. I guess I shall just close my eyes and go to sleep. Will have to get a plumber when I wake up.

I heard someone calling my name in the background. I stirred a little. I was lifted off the bed by a pair of familiar hands. I just wanted to continue sleeping. He refused to let me close my eyes. I felt exhausted. I opened my eyes for a little while. His face was filled with worry. A giggle escaped my mouth. He looked down at me, frowning.

“I love you so much, baby.” I smiled as I whispered to him. There were tears flowing down his cheeks now. I tried to lift my hands up to wipe them away but I was just too tired. I saw the blood all over my hand. Closed my eyes and fell into darkness. It’ll all be over now.

Life and Death

You know how death is such a scary word to many people. I beg to differ. I think that death is not scary but pain is. Suffering in pain rather than just dying in peace hurts more. You could possibly call me a coward but I do not like the word pain. I’ve seen my grandfather go through it. All the medications and injections only cost him more pain  and make him weaker with each day.

One of my grandaunt passed away yesterday. She had been having serious diabetic disorder for quite some time now. I just wonder, how would it feel like to not be able to eat the things you love? I guess it’s just about appreciating the fact that you are still alive eh?

Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, when I’m lying in bed, my thoughts often wander off. If I were ever on life support or anything like that, wouldn’t I rather just be off life support and just die instead of being a vegetable laying there in a coma not being able to do anything but everyone who loves me still weeping and holding the hope that I would one day miraculously wake up? What if I just wrote it somewhere that I would rather not be on life support. Imagine how much less pain everyone will be going through.

Death is such a subjective thing. Some people choose not to think about it at all, some people just shudder at the thought of it. Everyone dies at the end of the day. It’s just how that scares me.

Just thoughts..

 

I’ll try my very best to open up to you.

What it feels like to be a Science Undergraduate Student in University

No life.

Constant stress.

No idea what you’re doing.

Basically you wake up in the morning and walk into your first class. You take out your notepad ready to jot down some notes then your professor announces some quiz or mid term you have to take the following week. You say “fuck” in your mind or even out loud and quickly jot it down. Lectures are interesting but then you get lost halfway through. You look around you, everyone’s furiously scribbling stuffs down and nodding their heads in agreement and all you’re thinking is, “Wtf is going on?”.

Class ends, you now walk out of the lecture theatre to head to your next class. Due to the frustration from your previous class, lack of sleep and hunger, you probably am thinking about skipping your next class. When you eventually drag yourself to your next class, you are so tired that you can’t even focus. You force yourself to jot down notes. Let’s say it’s a physics lecture… the only thought that would constantly run through your mind would be “where the fuck does he get all that equations/formulas from?!”. Then you look around and everyone is just focusing and you feel like the stupidest person in class.

Basically a day of classes would probably be the times where you just feel like the dumbest kid in class cause everyone seem to know what the professor is saying and they are jotting down all the important stuffs. Sometimes, I feel like screaming out loud “IS THERE ANYONE IN THIS CLASS WHO FEELS AS LOST AS I DO?!” but it seems like a stupid thing to do cause I probably am the only one.

It’s so tiring, I haven’t had a real break. Every single week there’s a quiz, a mid term and it has been continuously been going on for a month and now my second week of mid term’s coming up. I’m not doing well in classes, I’m not getting what’s being taught. It’s just a very stressful period right now. I haven’t been able to join activities I like cause I feel so tired all the time.

I feel no passion. No motivation. No goal.

Just nothing.

MID TERMS!

Blogging

As much as there are so many events going on around me and the many things I do and see everyday I just don’t find the mojo to blog anymore. One of the main reason why I restarted my blog was due to Nom Nom. I wanted it to see the world and also introduce it to everyone :)

Been a long time since I’ve been blogging, really don’t remember how to do it anymore.

 

So yeah…

 

*awkward silence*

Meet Nom Nom.

Nom nom’s hungry ALL THE TIME. It likes to munch on random stuffs. Like right now, it’s munching on the word Nom Nom Licious cause it looks like cookies to it.

Can you spot the tiny furry cutie? :)

Nom nom nom. :D

Had the weirdest cravings for KFC so decided to head downtown with housemate to grab some lunch and to get some cinnamon powder.

The chicken meat is TINY. Two pieces of chicken took up a quarter of the plate.
That’s how tiny the chicken pieces are.

Let me introduce to you Poutine.

It’s fries + gravy + cheese all together in one bowl. It tastes super di duper good.
Just look at all that cheeeessseeee… nom nom nom.

So I came home and decided to bake… :)
Realizing I had shit load of cereal, why not make cornflake cookies?!

Put them in the oven. Bake them for about 9 minutes.

Ta daa!
Kickass cornflake cookies! :D

Till next time,
Nette