Give up

There's that breaking point when you don't even know what you're fighting for...

When everything just seems like a blurred mess to you.
When everything just seems to fall apart the more you try.

Why should I even bother anymore?

Master of Destruction

I can't help but to destroy everything in my way can I?
I should be kept in solitary.
Away from everything and everyone...
Then I will be able to not hurt or destruct anything in my path.

Physics

Facing my worse nightmare now.. When did studies become so difficult?

When did it all become just work and work and no play?

When did my life just become solely constructed of needing good grades?

When did grades suddenly become such an important part of my life?

There are just some things that are never meant to be known...

You are not alone

I know many people go through these phases in their University life but to you it seems like everyone has it in their hand except for you. You are wondering why everyone else it's getting a hang of it when you are slowly drowning in the coursework and the failing grades.

For every good grade there is the sacrifice behind it. University is not as cut out as what we used to think of it when we were younger. We used to watch movie and this perfect girl, pretty, charming, popular, with a high GPA to boot. Honestly, I've not met someone like that yet in University. Maybe there is, but it's so rare. Sad to say, that's the image all of us have planted into our minds, etched into our soul.

Looking at yourself in the mirror, you see the sleepless nights and the lack of sunshine. Sometimes, University just feels like a soul sucking machine that you can't avoid no matter what. There's always so much to do, so many people to please, so many clubs to join.

When I first stepped onto campus, I was afraid. It was a whole new environment for me. Even now, I can't safely say that I'm very confident with myself. I'm not used to not being accepted easily. I'm still not used to not bumping into someone I know at every corner. I'm still not used to not having my support group when I want to organize an activity.

Honestly, there are times when I feel really lost in University because I can't adapt myself to their lifestyle, or more like I do not want to conform to the society. I feel like when I speak up in a class I stick out like I was wearing a ridiculous Halloween costume in class. I feel dismissed by my peers at times. Sometimes I wonder if race is such a big issue after all...

Even though University life may be tough, I'm still thankful to be given the chance to be here. I do miss being back home with my friends, the late night mamak sessions and places that I know so well, and doing things I just love and know so well.

I guess it's all a part of growing up and I'm glad that I'm given this chance. I'm glad that I have my friends whom stuck by me through thick and thin.

Re : I wish I was home

When I was back in Malaysia, all I could think about was.. How fun it would be to have a white Christmas, drink hot chocolate after a cold day out, to play in the snow, build a snowmen and have snowball fights.

Now, here I am thousand miles away from home. Seeing everyone packing and going home for Christmas or even shopping for present makes me want to go home. Go home to my comfort zone. To go back to a place where I can spend Christmas night at my Godparent’s house with her awesome turkey dinner. To go back to the familiar Christmas settings in all the places we know like the back of our hands. To just be having dinner with each other and exchanging Christmas presents.

When I was back there, all I could think about was how much I needed to get away from here. I wanted so much for a new experience in a drastically different place. It seems so long ago since I’ve seen the old familiar faces. The last minute mamak sessions, the random dinners, the sushi binge.

It’s getting cold here too, but I’m still managing with a hoodie and a jeans though freezing when waiting for the bus. I miss the convenience of a car, not needing to bus anywhere. I miss calling a friend up for lunch and then picking them up. I miss the feeling of walking out of a restaurant or a mall and saying “holy fuck, it’s hot” rather than “holy fuck, it’s freezing.”

I remember the times when I wished that I could be out all night with no one to nag me to go home. I remember those times when I crave for freedom so much it hurts. Now that I have all that freedom, I actually do not know what to do with it because the special people in my life are not here to share it with me.

If YOU were here, we’d be binging on ALL YOU CAN EAT SUSHI every weekend, making snow angels together, watch the entire HARRY POTTER SAGA while drinking hot chocolate and crying our eyes out, stay up all night talking and regretting it when we have to wake up early the next morning, do all the crazy things we always wanted to do together but never had the chance to. :)

There are those special people I’ve met here that I’m thankful for. They keep me grounded and sane from the craze of University life. I’m really thankful for meeting nice people like them.

Egg who thinks too much,

I wish we could have been in the same University then we can bitch about the bitches, share our story of our day, stress together.. but I realized, we would have gotten so sick of each other that we’d be fighting too (known and proven fact)! :P

I’m grateful for being given the chance to be in a University abroad. I’m grateful that I chose to apply to UBC in the first place even though it was for all the wrong reasons. I’m grateful that I’m blessed with all these good people in my life to help me through times of need.

Christmas won’t be Christmas without you.

A Story

Went through my old external hard drive, found this extremely cliche sad lover story hidden within one of the folders. No idea how the me wrote this. :D Thought I’d share it. :)

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I walked into the empty room. Roommate was clearly still out with her boyfriend and from the looks of it she wouldn’t be back tonight anyways. I lay down on my back on my messy bed, scrolling down my contact list for someone to talk to. After 2 minutes of scanning through the numbers, I gave up and threw the phone on my bed. Grabbing the nearest pillow, I buried my face into it and let out all the tears I held in since I heard those words.

I had suspected something was amiss but I never bothered to find out more. Maybe deep inside me I knew she existed a long time ago but I chose to ignore it. I’ve been telling myself that you were the one and you would never ever lie to me. I chose to trust.

I don’t know, Aidan. It seems that when I’m with her, it feels so comfortable and I always feel like she knows me very well. It all just feels like a routine; but with Demi, it’s like a whole new game. It feels really exciting to be with her. She just seemed so vulnerable that I just want to keep her close to protect her… I don’t know how to choose.

I’ve never felt my heart hurt this way before. The feeling of him comparing me to some other girl called Demi. It has just got me wondering, who is she? How does she look? I sat up from my bed and logged onto the computer. I just had to find out how she looks; at least I knew who the other girl was. I went to his Facebook profile page and searched his friends. Sure enough her Facebook profile popped out. After going through a few pictures, I click the cross at the corner of the screen and slammed the laptop shut.

Of course he felt that way, that girl was every man’s dream and she was giving her affection to him. My phone beeped twice, I reached over to open the text message.

Hey baby, imy. J

I didn’t know how to react at that moment. After finding out everything was just a big fat lie, his not knowing you know continues to lie to you. It’s a downright revolting act. The phone rang. Our picture filled up the entire phone screen. I pressed the reject button. Same I did for a few continuous calls before turning the phone off.

Avoiding someone is not easy when that person is trying to find you. I managed to arrive at classes late and leave earlier to avoid bumping into him. I knew his entire schedule by heart so I managed to not bump into him till my last period. He knew my schedule by heart too.

“Hey, why didn’t you pick up my calls yesterday? Something wrong?” he asked with concern in his voice.

“I was just tired. I got to go now.” I shook his grip off my arm and hurried into the closing lift doors before he could catch up or say anything else. I knew he wouldn’t follow, he was claustrophobic. Never took a lift when it was crowded because the space just seems so tight.

Hey, did I do something wrong? Can you just talk to me already??

I tried to hold back my tears as I quickly got into my car. I remember the day he told me to trust him with all my heart because he will never leave nor betray me. I opened my deepest darkest side to him. I told him things that even May didn’t know about. He knew so much about my vulnerable side. He knew what hurt me the most. Yet he still did it. Gathering myself up, I jammed the accelerator and sped off the campus grounds.

I opened the door with the spare key I owned. Walking into his apartment, all the memories came flooding back to me. I didn’t have time to be sentimental; he would be back in an hour. I had to finish what I came here to do. I picked up every picture of us and every piece of letter I’ve ever written to him and placed them in a big box. That was when I saw their pictures in an album in his drawer. He must have kept it stashed somewhere whenever I came to visit. I angrily swiped away the tears and slam the door as I exited his apartment.

Hey, seriously can you just tell me what’s wrong? I just got back and everything has been wiped out. It’s like nothing ever existed. What happened? Please please reply me. I’m worried!

I replied.

Nothing did ever exist. It was all just a game to you and a lie to me. I made up your mind for you. You don’t have to choose now. Enjoy.

The message was followed by another series of Lady Gaga’s telephone ringtone telling me to pick up my phone. I went through all the pictures and letters. Was the past year nothing but a lie? I cursed myself for being so naïve as to trusting him. When will I ever learn never to depend on others as the only person you can truly trust is you yourself?

Baby, I’ve no idea what you are talking about. L Please pick up my calls.

Okay baby, I think I know what you’re upset about. I’ve no idea why you know all these. Derek must have spilled it out to Becca or something. Please talk to me, let me explain.

I don’t ever want to listen to your explanations. How do I even know if they are truths or lies? I don’t know who to trust. I don’t even know if I’m ever capable of trust anymore. I drove back to my place. I dumped all the picture into the trash can right next to the table. I tore down every single picture of us I had on the wall.

“Put the picture of us on the wall next to your bed so every time you go to sleep you can see me watching over you,” he said as he stuck the picture of us over my bed.

I know that if I tried hard enough I could make everything go away and disappear from my head. I know I can block him out of my head. I’m sinking slowly into the memories of him and me. I’ve been giving him chances but all he did was let me down. He might be thinking that we will be fine again but not this time around. This will be the last straw. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Thinking he is prince charming. Could have loved him all my life but he had to leave me out. He can tell me that he is sorry but I don’t believe him like I’ve always did.

It’s 5AM now. My eyelids were getting heavier. Feeling really tired. I hear an annoying dripping sound. Must be the tap again, I thought. I guess I shall just close my eyes and go to sleep. Will have to get a plumber when I wake up.

I heard someone calling my name in the background. I stirred a little. I was lifted off the bed by a pair of familiar hands. I just wanted to continue sleeping. He refused to let me close my eyes. I felt exhausted. I opened my eyes for a little while. His face was filled with worry. A giggle escaped my mouth. He looked down at me, frowning.

“I love you so much, baby.” I smiled as I whispered to him. There were tears flowing down his cheeks now. I tried to lift my hands up to wipe them away but I was just too tired. I saw the blood all over my hand. Closed my eyes and fell into darkness. It’ll all be over now.

Life and Death

You know how death is such a scary word to many people. I beg to differ. I think that death is not scary but pain is. Suffering in pain rather than just dying in peace hurts more. You could possibly call me a coward but I do not like the word pain. I’ve seen my grandfather go through it. All the medications and injections only cost him more pain  and make him weaker with each day.

One of my grandaunt passed away yesterday. She had been having serious diabetic disorder for quite some time now. I just wonder, how would it feel like to not be able to eat the things you love? I guess it’s just about appreciating the fact that you are still alive eh?

Sometimes, just before I fall asleep, when I’m lying in bed, my thoughts often wander off. If I were ever on life support or anything like that, wouldn’t I rather just be off life support and just die instead of being a vegetable laying there in a coma not being able to do anything but everyone who loves me still weeping and holding the hope that I would one day miraculously wake up? What if I just wrote it somewhere that I would rather not be on life support. Imagine how much less pain everyone will be going through.

Death is such a subjective thing. Some people choose not to think about it at all, some people just shudder at the thought of it. Everyone dies at the end of the day. It’s just how that scares me.